June 4, 2019
Dear Mr. Fuller,
As you might recall, you were involved in a very severe automobile accident last week. Specifically, the accident in question took place at 7:56 AM on December 17th, 2014 on the corner of Hotspur Road and State Route 23. Despite the previously mentioned severity of this accident and the death of every other person involved, you somehow managed to emerge alive and, for all physical purposes, unharmed. You were most likely rather surprised by this occurrence, and, given your religious background and idealistic attitude, it is not at all unreasonable to assume that you attributed your survival to some form of miracle. This letter is being written to clarify that this is not the case.
While we here at The Association of Death and Soul Transportation emphatically affirm the existence of miracles, and recognize the possibility for miracles to occur at any time and in any place, we regret to inform you that your extraordinary survival was, in fact, the result of a simple misunderstanding, specifically in the Vehicle-Related Death Department. It would seem that the particular Reaper who was assigned to handle your death (and the subsequent transportation of your Soul to your designated realm of the Afterlife) grossly misread his schedule for this week and, rather than ensuring your death, caused the death of a newborn infant in Villa Nueva, Guatemala. You may rest assured that this Reaper has been appropriately disciplined and now entirely understands that the deaths of newborns are strictly the affairs of the Fetus and Infant Death Department.
We also regret to inform you that, while the Vehicle-Related Death Department has thoroughly admitted to their mistake, it would be highly unprofessional to allow you to continue living after your scheduled date of death. Thus, we humbly request that you kill yourself as soon as is convenient for you.
Again, we apologize profusely for this whole mess, and we assure you that this entire affair is just as difficult for us as it is for you. We have no doubt that your seemingly miraculous survival filled you with a new love and appreciation for the gift of life, and thus you are most likely less than thrilled to be receiving a letter such as this one. However, we are also forced to warn you that if you fail to properly bring about your own death within seven days, we retain every right to send one of our own to kill you and collect your soul. You may rest assured that any spiritual reawakening that may have occurred due to your near-death experience and any virtuous acts performed as a result of this reawakening will be taken into account during your final judgment. Therefore, it is actually a possibility (though we do not have the authority to disclose to you exactly how probable this is) that you were initially destined to suffer in the fires of Hell for all of eternity, and now, due indirectly to this mix-up, have earned your place in Heaven. So, who knows – perhaps one day you’ll look back on this and laugh. Or perhaps you will be in Hell. One of the two.
In conclusion, to clarify once more, The Association of Death and Soul Transportation and The Vehicle-Related Death Department fully acknowledge our mistake and offer our sincerest apologies for any inconvenience. We understand that an order from Divine Providence to kill yourself can be quite disheartening, and urge you not to take any of this too personally.
Best regards,
Hades a.k.a. Pluto
President of the Association of Death and Soul transportation
ADST Headquarters
The Void